Scared Out of My Mind

Have you ever had something that niggled at the back of your mind...for years? Something that the first time you thought about it you told yourself 'that's crazy' and you would never do it? But circumstances changed and then you thought about it more? And then you thought, I'm not going to think about this anymore but the more you didn't think about it, the more you thought about it?

And THEN you start researching it. Oh, how I love to research things (thanks UPS, that's University of Puget Sound not the United Postal Service, for teaching me how to research). And then you read and read and read about it and start to think, its not that crazy.

And THEN one of your best friends does it! And then you can't help bringing it up whenever you talk to her. And you know what, she likes it. It works for her. Then you think, she can do it so why can't I? But she's brave and I'm...sometimes brave.

I have one of those.

Home school.

And I'm taking the plunge.

I'm homeschooling Madilyn this year.

When Madilyn was a baby and we were discussing education, Jeremy said something to the effect of "Well we could always home school." I looked at him and I kid you not, I said, "Are you going to stay home and I go to work because I am NOT going to home school." Yup, pretty open minded don't you think?

But, like many things, times have changed. I seriously looked into homeschooling Madilyn when she was in 1st grade. She had a very hard time. Very hard. I don't know what happened at the beginning of first grade but I think I missed something. My little girl, who has always been highly emotional, was unrecognizable. Getting her up and ready for school was near torture and there were tantrums when she got home. She started talking about what a bad kid she was and completely stopped talking in class.  I thought it was her getting used to the long school day but now I'm not sure.

Second grade was better-ish. The tantrums weren't as often but there were other problems. This is when I started to notice her self-esteem disappearing. Luckily she had a teacher that, despite Madilyn's lack of speaking in class, noticed her sense of humor, creativity, and quick wit. She encouraged it and gave her an award for creativity at the end of the year.

Third grade was alright. In fact, there were some improvements. There weren't many fights about homework, she took responsibility for making her lunch, and getting up in the morning...for the most part. But stress and anxiety went to a whole new level. I don't want to go into too much detail but it was miserable.

And I kept thinking - there has to be another way.

So here we go on journey I never thought I'd take.

I have no delusions of this being easy. I have no delusions that home school is going to solve our problems. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to balance everything. I'm assuming it will be like everything else...I'll figure it out one painful day at a time.

Lest anyone think I'm anti-public school, Emma starts 1st grade this year. She is so excited. She loves school. I gave her the option of staying home but she chose to go. I do think its the best decision for her.

Just when I think I've got things figured out...

(PS - This post is for those days when things are hard and Madilyn and I are at wits end. I want to be able to remember why I started all this.)